How I miss the days when all I had to do was ask what I could bring to a get-together and not have to know what was being served…
Or when someone could bring anything they like best to our house.
Any dessert. Any bread. Any salad topping.
Sigh.
Now I’m constantly MEDDLING.
I’m calling ahead, asking friends to read food labels over the phone, and explaining that the phrase “processed on equipment with nuts” is just as bad for us as something containing an actual peanut.
I’m asking what dessert they are serving, where it came from, and usually planning to bring something similar and safe for my son to eat.
And YES, I often request foods containing nuts aren’t served while we’re there and that nuts are never brought into our home. This is my son’s SAFE zone (and ours). He should never have to question his safety here.
I DO realize it may feel like we ask or expect too much.
Now I’m hanging out in the kitchen, asking questions about where food came from, and if I can read the food labels myself. If something was made from scratch, I’m asking to if the chocolate chips had a nut allergen warning, and if any pre-made mixes were used.
I KNOW I’m a control freak, and that some of these questions seem silly. I also know that there are plenty of foods that are SAFE and that most of the answers confirm the food IS safe.
BUT, once in a while…we catch something…so I HAVE to ask.
I am THAT allergy mama.
I know sometimes, I’m really annoying with all these questions. I appreciate your patience with me, and for answering me to the best of your ability.
I have REAL and POWERFUL fears (although sometimes they may be blown out of proportion):
- I AM afraid if there are nuts on the premises, especially when other children are present. Children are messy eaters, they drop things on the floor, they get food on their clothes, hands, hair and face. A quick wipe down with a paper towel and water does NOT safely remove allergen, and my son could have a reaction from coming in contact with it.
- I DO have sometimes overwhelming fear when the food is generally unknown before we arrive. I usually pack an extra meal for my son, in case he can’t eat what is there. I’m on hyper-alert and may not be able to relax until we sort it all out. I will be distracted until we do. I AM overwhelmed when we arrive to an unexpected baked goods surprise. Donuts sound friendly until you look around and see almonds falling off pastries and chocolate frosted donuts covered in chopped peanuts in the hands of children. Sometimes the fear can be so overwhelming that we just have to go outside; for his safety and my own sanity.
- I AM afraid that when someone who ate something with nuts kisses my child goodbye that my son will get hives on his face. Or worse.
- I pray EVERY day and trust that the Lord has what I CAN’T control under HIS all-knowing control. I need to trust Him, or I wouldn’t let us go anywhere.
It may sound selfish, but I DO think my son’s health is more important than your (or your child’s) desire to eat a peanut butter sandwich, pecan pie or peanut butter rice crispy treats. I’m sorry it makes things harder for you. But I think it is OK to ask that you eat them later, when we aren’t around. AND if your child has a food need, I welcome your requests and needs; We will joyfully accommodate them.
I DO trust your efforts are sincere and thorough. However, even with several years of label reading, my husband and I occasionally still catch something on a box that the other missed. Two sets of eyes is ALWAYS better than one. And I’m sorry, but If we don’t have the label or a clear understanding a food’s safety, we can’t eat it. Even if you took a lot of time making it.
I KNOW that nuts show up in the strangest of places and my questions may sound weird: Pretzels, animal crackers, bread, ice cream, ANY dessert, fried foods, italian and asian sauces, salad mixes, seeds, cream cheese, any bulk foods, cereals, crackers, frozen foods, salad dressings, flour, rice, and more have nut allergen warnings. Keeping your child safe from food is more of a LIFESTYLE than anything; it requires a constant AWARENESS.
I AM not sure what type of reaction my son will have from any of these scenarios, but I don’t think ANY reaction is acceptable. I recently heard someone in a grocery store venting about someone with a child with a nut allergy and their ‘over reaction’ to the potential of an allergic reaction. Her reason was, and I quote, “that’s what an Epi-Pen is for”. This is NOT the first time I’ve heard this statement, nor will it be the last time. Guess what? An Epi-Pen is for when you’ve done EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO to be safe and a reaction happens anyway. I hope to NEVER use ours. I want them to expire, time after time.
The truth is, sometimes an Epi-Pen and quick responses by parents and medical personnel are NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes a child DIES. It is NOT usually because someone neglected to be careful. It was a terrible mistake, or due to an unknown allergy. A heartbreaking event that can’t be undone.
I will NEVER assume a reaction won’t be deadly or cause long-term damage. YES, I pray he won’t ever HAVE a reaction, and that if he does, it will be minor. YES, I believe in God’s protection. But that does NOT mean I have a license to be careless, or that my fears are not valid or real. This is a serious business. It is my child’s LIFE. Having his face swell up, hives all over his body, terrible upset stomach, or his throat close so tightly he cannot breathe are ALL unacceptable to me. Think about how that would FEEL if it happened to your body, or to your child’s body. In our position, I think you’d agree.
I appreciate your honesty and willingness to say when I need to SLOW down, or BACK down. I know that you CARE if my child gets hurt. I know that you are trying your best. If I’m hyped up and making unfair assumptions or requiring too much of you…SAY SO! It may sting, but I promise to listen and to find another way that works better for both of us.
Words can’t express how grateful we are for you who help keep our son safe:
- Many of you go out of your way to help us; you purchase nut-free candy, make a cake instead of buying one, or call ahead to ask what is best to have for snack when we come over.
- OR when you do your own research, educate yourself, and find a bakery that will sterilize equipment and make a nut-free dessert that our son can eat. You, your thoughtfulness, initiative, and kindess amaze me.
- I appreciate when you serve a ham sandwich to your child before you come and play at our house, or when you have your child wash their hands with soap and water before coming over if they’ve had nuts that day.
- To the parents and staff at the nut-free preschool our son attends: Thank you for following the hand-washing and food policy so my son is safe when he learns alongside your child.
- It brings tears to my eyes when I think of how many people who are family, friends, church family, neighbors, school staff, and even acquaintances who go the extra mile. EVERY TIME.
- It matters when people ask me to teach them to read a food label, or call me from the store if they aren’t sure about something.
- It is a relief when a host intentionally saves the food labels for me to read and points them out before I even have to ask.
- I am amazed by the people who make me DAILY feel like my questions are not a burden, and are gracious to me when I’m obviously operating from a place of fear (when I’m surely not at my best).
- And to those who regularly pray for my son’s safety and that he will NEVER have a reaction; you make it so the fear doesn’t take over, so the label reading isn’t so hard, and so we can leave the house trusting in the Lord’s protection. We FEEL it.
- All of you make us feel accepted, blessed beyond measure, and loved. We know you are in this with us, keeping our son safe. We appreciate your advice, kindness, questions and efforts.
Thank you for agreeing that this child is worth the effort, and thank you for answering my food allergy “20 questions”.
This brought tears to my eyes. I will always do everything in my power to keep Aiden safe.I love you and I love the mother you are.God bless you!Diane
Thank you for your perspective, Elaine! I never realized how serious and complicated this allergy is! I’m wondering, what kind of chocolate chips are nut safe?
Great question! Honestly, it seems to change all the time so reading the label every time you buy is key! I have been able to buy the Nestle Semi-Sweet (most of the other Nestle state they are processed on equipment with nuts), and SOME of the Ghiardelli chocolate CHIPS (not white chocolate, and not the squares) are safe as well. When in doubt, I have called the company to ask.
We found that one package of Nestle MINI Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips DID HAVE a nut warning on it, while a package of the EXACT SAME chocolate chips I bought at another store DID NOT have that warning on it! I think it depends on which facility they are made at. It’s scary to be honest! We buy the Ghirardelli 60% cacao chips and they are safe, BUT I still read the label EVERY time!!!! It’s nerve racking to say the least!
Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips are free of the Top 8 allergens – as are all their products! Their mini-chips are THE best tasting chocolate morsel!!
Thanks for the tip! Always looking for safe products that taste good.
Vermont Nut Free. Hershey’s Semi sweet. I found that Nestle’s is NOT safe!!
Thank you for the information. I haven’t bought Nestle for a while since I spoke on the phone to Ghiardelli. Always important to check!
HI-
So– background. I’m 42 and have been deathly, anaphylactically allergic to peanuts- in fact all peas, nuts and beans for my entire life. 2 things.
1) Never feel bad about being a pain. Who is more important? Your child or anyone else in the entire world? Yeah- thats what i thought.
2) Im old enough to remember when NO ONE labelled their products for contaminates. I’ve survived. Carry your Benadryl and your Epis.
42. I’ve survived this long. It’s something to be hyper-vigilant about, but try. TRY. To not panic all the time. Just focus on educating your child and having his products with him. And have him gorge before going anywhere. When you’re full, you don’t eat. Generally.
And if you haven’t already- LEARN TO COOK. My mom went from zero to hands down one of the best bakers in the world. Seriously. Even if I could, I wouldnt trade her apple pie for anyone elses.
Best!
Bryan
Your comments are true and encouraging. Thank you for sharing. I am lucky I enjoy cooking (and did long before we learned of the allergies), because it certainly gives us peace of mind to know we made it ourselves. I like your tip about keeping them full. He is pretty young so doesn’t go without us very many places, but I will probably start filling him up when he starts going places without us.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this well-written article!!!! You have cohesively put into words exactly what I want to say ALL the time but can’t quite get it to come together so well. Thank you!!!!!
[…] son learn to ask questions, NOW…This doesn’t mean that we don’t keep asking those food allergy 20-questions before we get together. These questions still need to be asked and I will continue to advocate for my child! But it DOES […]
[…] I am THAT Allergy Mama: Thank You For Answering My Food Allergy “20 Questions” Before We Get Tog… […]
[…] already deal with that other ‘A’-word (allergy) and all the paperwork, medications, food precautions and disappointments that come with it. Our son handles it well but I have been hoping and praying […]
[…] People graciously allow me to hang out in their kitchen, reading every food label in sight and asking 20 questions […]
Reblogged this on this grateful mama and commented:
I am continually amazed by friends and family in our lives who go above and beyond to ensure our son is safe. Thank you for texting me ingredient labels, discussing the menu, and for graciously answering my questions time and time again. We are so grateful for all of you.
I SO relate to this. I once had an exasperating encounter with a clique of mamas at my daughter’s ballet class who were griping about the nut free policy at their kids’ school. They said, “other kids’ allergies aren’t my daughter’s fault, nor her responsibility.” Folks get inconvenienced until the allergy touches someone they love, right? That’s why people show you so much grace–they love you! They love your kiddos too. I’m so grateful for the same sorts of people in my life. They make bearing this burden a little lighter.
Comments like that can be so discouraging, that is why those who proactively make an effort, willingly, and with joy are so incredibly special and kind. You’re right, they DO make the burden lighter! Each time someone helps keep our son safe, it reminds me of how loved we are. And how God’s love shines through others on our family. Because of the kindness and love we are shown, we are even more excited to do the same for others! Thank you for your thoughts!
God sure shows his love through the hands and feet of people! So glad you have such a good community around you who loves your son well–and the rest of your family, too!
We don’t have that hard of a time since my son is technically only sensitive to gluten, but I totally ask a load of questions too.
It is encouraging to hear others ask questions too and regardless of the need, the help of others is still worthy to be recognized! Thanks for sharing your experience!
Wow! I can’t imagine dealing with that on a daily basis! That would be a constant battle with fear. I think it is helpful that you wrote this so other allergy mom’s can know they aren’t alone.
If this post helps another allergy mom know they are not alone, then it has served it’s purpose! As for fear, I find the fear ebbs and flows with time and stages of life. At times it has been overwhelming, for sure. Yet, when we have a community around us that continually joins us to keep Him as safe as we can, and a God who loves our son more than we ever can, the fear becomes less and less. Thanks for your thoughts!
My goodness, your son is beautiful! Those eyes! I am on board with you 1000%! I, too have food allergies…a lot of them! There are about ten different foods that I can safely eat. I go the extra mile, eat before I go somewhere, stay out of other people’s homes and limit my travel. Unfortunately, these lifestyle habits are the only ways to survive. I have never used my Epi-pens and I do not ever plan too.
You are a good mom and your son is so blessed to have you as his care giver and advocate. Never feel like you are annoying or a burden to someone else. Remember, if they were in your shoes, they would be just as cautious!
Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you Summer. It is great to hear from an adult who manages their allergies (and so many!) so well and with such grace. This is exactly how I hope we can teach and help our son be when he grows up. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement here today.
I know that if my child had an allergy, I’d be exactly the same! we have allergies in our extended family and I always want to be aware of how I cook for them! Thanks for this great reminder!!!
What a gift you can be to your family by taking time to understand and keep loved ones safe by making things they can eat safely! I am sure they are grateful as well.
[…] nut allergy shortly after his first birthday. We quickly became Epi-Pen carrying, label-reading, question-asking protectors of our […]
My nephew is sixteen and has a severe nut and now apple, and coconut allergy. We are so careful because we would never want anything to happen. When I bring food around and tell him that I checked the food, he is so grateful. Knowing that people care enough to keep him safe. It’s okay that you ask. You have to keep them safe because a lot of people don’t know what is involved and how to check. It’s okay to be that mom.
What a gift it is for you to take the initiative to keep your nephew safe. Not all families do. My son is also always grateful and I see character development and empathy in him that makes me certain this struggle has purpose and good in it, despite the challenge. Thank you for sharing how allergies affect your family – I know it encourages me and other families to hear stories of others.