Doubt

 

Doubt | thisgratefulmama.com

Last year, my daughter and I studied the book of John at Bible Study Fellowship. One theme that struck me was how John, a disciple and close friend of Jesus, identifies himself.

The one whom Jesus loved.

I was baffled by how it seemed to be new information even though I have studied John before. God’s timing is perfect – it took the entire year, but He finally revealed why this theme was so important to me.

To explain why, I need to first give you the backstory.

Our third child was born in May of 2016. She, like our firstborn son experienced silent reflux symptoms and spent her first months writhing and screaming in pain. It was gut-wrenching and we felt helpless.

Again.

Unlike the first time around, we had previous experience. We recognized the symptoms and assumed we knew what to do. Then our doctor agreed so she began reflux mediation.

But symptoms remained.

Long story short, we later learned she had a tongue and lip tie that was corrected by a pediatric dentist. Once healed, she was able to eat without choking or gulping air. Her reflux was controlled with medication.

Life settled down. She no longer writhed in pain.

And we put it behind us.

Well. Not quite.

My emotional distress over the issue lingered. I wrestled with why a child should endure such pain. And WHY it happened again to one of our children.

As feelings surfaced, I distracted myself. I reasoned – it was over, we had moved on. We had a healthy, thriving and now happy baby.

Lingering on what was felt like the opposite of gratitude. And I was grateful she was feeling better.

So I ignored it. Stuffed it. 

This was building to be more than just a little distress. Old, deep-seated emotions and pain from the first time when we watched our son struggle now mingled with the new these fresh new emotions. The old emotions had not lost their sharp, raw edge, even with the passage of time. (I’ve shared some about difficulties during my first year as a mom before. I’m not going to rehash it now but you can read about it here.)

The truth is, babies are born with all kinds of maladies and challenges – reflux is by far, not the worst. But when anything causes your child pain, it affects you deeply as a parent. This time around, our daughter’s pain also affected our other children.  They too coped with the stress of their sister’s pain and their parents’ attention being consumed by the baby.

Now, on to my doubt.

The last day of BSF is ‘sharing day’ – picture 500 women and an open microphone. Women share publicly what God has done in their lives through the study.

It’s amazing.

The morning was crazy and I was running late. As I slid into a row towards the back, I sighed with relief.

My plan was to just sit and listen to other women praise God for what He had done in their lives that year.

Then this funny thing happened. I kept having this strange thought that I needed to share. My heart started pounding and I thought – not in front of all these people.

Nope.

If the Holy Spirit has prompted you to share something before, then you know exactly what I’m talking about – whether to one person or before 500.

The heart pounding – it’s a THING.

Suddenly I’m scribbling notes with a pink sharpie on an old receipt – trying to get my thoughts in order before I head up front.

Several times in the study of John the topic of doubt came up. Each time, I quickly assessed myself (as in, not really) and pridefully said, of course I don’t doubt God!

He is who He says He is. Nothing is too hard for Him. His word is true and powerful. 

How could I doubt Him?

The most famous example of doubt is in John 20. ‘Doubting’ Thomas is not with the other disciples when Jesus appears to them after the resurrection. Thomas does not believe the disciples account and wants physical proof – to touch Jesus’ wounds.

You guys, Jesus is so kind.

He knew Thomas’ doubts and soon lovingly gave the opportunity to see and touch His wounds, without reprimand. Thomas believes and proclaims, ‘My Lord and My God!‘.

During the lecture the week we studied Thomas, we were challenged to ask God to show us our doubts and bring those doubts to Jesus. It was so compelling, I began praying before we even left the parking lot.

It wasn’t long before it was clear that I did have doubt.

I never doubted that Jesus was ABLE to prevent our children’s pain.

I never doubted He was ABLE to heal them at any time. 

We prayed and prayed. Both children were healed in His unique way, and in His time. But not in OUR Time.

So I doubted His love

For our son. For our daughter. For our family.

For ME. 

We placed our hope and faith in Him in our distress and didn’t get the response we desired. We prayed boldly. We trusted.

We pleaded and cried out before Him as we held our sweet hurting babies.

And for a time that seemed far too long, they kept on hurting.

And doubt creeped in.

Looking back, I see God’s faithfulness. He carried us, sending help and comfort, even when it felt He was far away and unresponsive.

If I had read Thomas’ story at the beginning of the year, I would have likely ignored what it challenged me to see – I wasn’t ready to face my doubt. 

But God’s loving kindness is so gentle. Before He revealed my doubt, He impressed upon me that my true identity is the one whom Jesus loves. And how the same is true for each of our children.

It is no accident that all these feelings from our firstborn were stirred up and relived with our daughter, just before starting the study of John – the gospel of love.

I will never fully comprehend on this side of heaven what God was doing when He allowed our babies to struggle. But He does show us glimpses of His work. I believe ONE reason He allowed this again in our life was to free me from the burden of doubt. 

Only after He had prepared me by showing me His steadfast love, did He reveal I doubted it. And carried around those feelings for the last 7 years.

That is long time to carry around doubt laced with pain.

So, tearfully but with unexpected boldness, I found myself speaking into an open microphone before 500 women proclaiming God’s love and confessing my doubt.

The God of restoration revealed my doubt, not to shame me, but to free me. He did it to redeem the part of my soul I had shut off from Him because it was shrouded in the fear that God didn’t really love us as I desperately needed Him to.

What a wonderful God we serve – who doesn’t leave us in our broken condition and continues to actively capture and heal our hearts! 

And He will continue to help us break free from the broken we harbor and carry around inside.

Today I stand in that freedom, knowing there will be other difficulties and hard things in my life and in the lives of our family that will challenge my faith and the truth of God’s word.

Without a doubt, there will be other doubts. 

This experience has shown me how in the past I’ve judged Thomas for his doubt.

You know what? ‘Doubting’ Thomas gets a bad-rap.

We all encounter doubts. Walking with Jesus in the midst of a broken world means we are imperfect and incapable of imperfect faith. Doubt is reality. There’s a little Thomas in all of us – when we claim to never doubt, we are deceived by pride.

As with every Bible character, their examples of imperfection and God’s loving response is left there for people just like me. And you. I’m so grateful God included Thomas’ story in the Bible to encourage us in our doubt. God wisely let us know that even one of the 12 disciples, who walked side by side with Jesus here on earth, had doubts too.

Today I stand better equipped to handle new doubts because I have experienced firsthand how Jesus knows my doubts, before I do. He does not waste them. Instead, He gently uses doubts to strengthen and embolden our faith. He draws us closer to Him and will continue to do so until we are with Him and like Him in eternity.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 (ESV)

Amen.

 

Doubt | thisgratefulmama.com

PS: If you aren’t familiar with BSF, you may want to be! It’s an international organization providing FREE, true to God’s word, Bible studies to men, women and children. Next year’s study is Romans and starts in September – check it out!

Doubt | thisgratefulmama.com Doubt | thisgratefulmama.com

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Infant ‘Silent’ Reflux is NOT Silent: 5 Survival Tips for Parents

Infant 'Silent' Reflux is NOT Silent: 5 Survival Tips for Parents | thisgratefulmama.com

1. MAKE Time For Sleep

Duh-this may seem like a no-brainer if you haven’t had a hurting baby. But our baby hurt, and could not sleep. We rarely slept more than 4 hours per night, and those were non-consecutive 40 minute spurts. Sleep broken up like that is not restorative. As days months pass, the need for any solid chunk of sleep becomes desperate.

Here are a few ideas to schedule sleep:

  • Trade off – one parent goes to bed early while the other takes the evening shift. Take turns during the week.
    • If your child cries most of the night, use a loud fan, ear plugs or noise machine to block the noise so you CAN sleep while the other parent is awake.
  • If you are a working parent, allow yourself one day a week to go home and sleep for an hour or two before picking your child up from daycare.
    • If daycare isn’t a possible outlet for you, ask a trusted family member or friend to come hold the baby while you sleep. And when they come, don’t do anything else. Just sleep.
  • Do whatever it takes to help your child sleep – I held our son on my chest in a big chair with pillows propping my arms up so he couldn’t fall for his first 3 months of ‘sleep’.

2. See a specialist

No matter how good your pediatrician is, see a specialist. A pediatric Gastroenterologist (GI) just knows more because of their specialized training. They see more cases of severe reflux than a pediatrician and have resources and ideas even the best pediatrician may not.

3. Be Honest and Transparent

While no one wants to complain about their child, it is not complaining to admit or explain what is really going on. Take time to explain why you can’t volunteer, go to an event, or why you might be late or need to leave early. Being open and honest will help others understand, give grace, and even offer to help. People who don’t know you need help will not offer to help.

Another reason to be open and honest is that sharing your experience will add a new level of authenticity and trust in your relationships. You may be surprised which relationships thrive in this time and which ones do not – true friendships are forged in fire. These are the people who walk through struggles with you. Life isn’t perfect and we shouldn’t pretend it is – don’t be afraid to share the hard stuff.

4. Seek Experienced Reflux Parents

In addition to a great pediatrician and GI specialist, others have been in these trenches before you. They have spent their days and nights loving and doing everything they can to not only soothe their child, but also to learn how to do it better. As a mom who has gone through what you are going through now three times – I know the advice and encouragement from seasoned veterans is invaluable. If you don’t know any such moms, here’s a few resources that may help:

5. Pray and Then Pray Some More

In the middle of the night, all day long, when your ears, back and arms hurt from rocking and soothing the screaming, prayer is your lifeline to the God of all creation. He made you, your baby, and He knows exactly how hard this is for all of you.

He listens, He answers, and He equips. Reach out to Him for strength, comfort, and peace.

I recently studied John 11 and was so moved by Jesus’ compassion and how deeply troubled He was over the death of Lazarus. He comforted Lazarus’ sisters Mary and Martha and wept beside Lazarus’ grave. Even though death had to happen for Him to show His power over death as He raised Lazarus from the grave, He took NO joy in seeing the sorrow of those He loved. And, He felt His own sorrow over the situation. Cry out to Him, He hears you. He is your help and holds you both in His good, sovereign hands when there is simply nothing else you can do for your child.

On my bed I remember you;
    I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
    I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
    your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 63:6-8 (NIV)

Infant 'Silent' Reflux Is NOT Silent - 5 Survival Tips for Parents | thisgratefulmama.com Infant 'Silent' Reflux Is NOT Silent | thisgratefulmama.com Infant 'Silent' Reflux is NOT Silent - 5 Survival Tips For Parents | thisgratefulmama.com

Infant Silent Reflux Is NOT Silent – Tongue Ties and Lip Ties DO Matter

Infant 'Silent' Reflux is NOT Silent - Tongue Ties and Lip Ties DO Matter | thisgratefulmama.com

When our third baby was born, I knew something was not right when I nursed her, even in the hospital. Experience nursing her two siblings, something just did not feel right.

Our daughter could not open her mouth wide to nurse, even with me using my finger to open wider. Once she did latch, she could not stay on, and was constantly gulping air and choking on milk. 

Our daughter needed to be burped every few minutes or she would spit everything back up and would writhe in pain. And when she burped, it was not a burp you’d expect from a tiny baby. No, she burped like a grown male after they gulp down a whole can of pop.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp.

Seriously. You cannot believe these massive man-burps from her tiny body. Then she’d resume eating, and to relive writhing and crying, she’d need to burp again.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp.  

Again and again and again. Through the feeding and afterwards. The amount of air she swallowed was remarkable.

And the noise. When she nursed, there was this strange ‘click.  Our other kids didn’t do that, and no adjustment to the latch made it go away. In the hospital, the noise reminded me of something I’d read on Facebook in the infant reflux support group called Reflux Rebels. Several people had posted about how their baby had a tongue tie or lip tie and ‘clicked’ while nursing. Other than reading about ties there, I knew nothing about them and knew no one whose child had them.

In addition, our daughter’s tongue was ‘heart-shaped’ because the tip was indented. I learned later this is a rather obvious sign of a tongue tie. The frenulum below the tongue is so tight that it pulls the tip of the tongue down and back, preventing it from lifting up and coming forward as it needs to in order to nurse. Our daughter could not stick out her tongue at all but we didn’t know that quite yet.

As we researched ties, we asked two pediatricians and a lactation consultant in the hospital to assess our daughter. ONE pediatrician confirmed a possible minor tongue tie but told us not to worry about it. The lactation consultant and other pediatrician dismissed the idea completely. So, I went home blaming a fast milk let-down and a baby with a small mouth, assuming we’d just figure it out with time.

I assumed as she grew the nursing woes would resolve themselves, but they did not. And when she began to have issues with acid reflux at 6 weeks, the excessive air-intake became a huge problem. All that air kept forcing the acid right back up and the pain it caused was obvious. Despite my initial denial that yet another of our children had silent reflux, the rapid onset of symptoms confirmed we needed to treat it right away.

This wasn’t our first rodeo with reflux.  I had already eliminated dairy and soy from my diet before our daughter was born because our other children could not tolerate them at all. I was also already avoiding foods that trigger reflux in adults. We recognized the reflux symptoms – refusal to feed, arching back and screaming in pain (aka. colic) right away. Into the pediatrician we went, feeling defeated. I nursed the baby in the office and the symptoms were agreed upon by the pediatrician and she prescribed Zantac.

After two weeks, we were disappointed to find she was still just as miserable. She was crying inconsolably for at least 4 hours per day, and up to 10. I’m not going to lie, the days were rough.

While I agreed with the reflux diagnosis, I was unsettled about the feeding issues. Our other babies had reflux but did not gulp air and choke while eating.  I was convinced she could be happy if she could stop sucking air and having the acid be forced back up again.

Two more pediatricians assessed our baby for reflux and were asked about tongue and lip ties. One dismissed us, but our primary care provider agreed there was a ‘slight’ tongue tie. However, in her experience, it would not cause issues. She recommended we see the clinic lactation consultant.

The lactation consultant was by far the most knowledgeable about ties and feeding issues. She also agreed there was a tongue tie, but did not know of any doctor who would cut a tie. Instead, she focused on helping moms work with it. By the end of our almost hour-long appointment, she thought the excessive air intake was due to over-supply of milk rather than anatomy. She gave me many helpful tips and we put all into practice. We tried bottles. No difference. We incorporated all her adjustments.

The clicking noise continued, as did the consumption of air.

Our daughter was now 9 weeks old, taking the highest dose of Zantac, and miserable. She cried the majority of the day and needed to be held for all naps. Baby wearing was a necessity, but even then, she was still crying.  They switched reflux medication to Prevacid. We gave it two weeks to see if it took her pain away.

She was still miserable. The pediatrician told us she had colic and there was nothing else they could do.

Desperate, I asked questions on the Reflux Rebels Facebook page. They referred me to the  Tongue Tie Lip Tie Babies Support Group. I posted pictures of my daughter’s suspected lip tie and tongue.

beforelip-tie

The comments agreed she should be assessed by a recommended provider in my area who not only assesses ties but also corrects them. They gave me a list of ENTs and Pediatric Dentists.

We chose a pediatric dentist because they use a laser for the procedure. This means the wound heals easier, baby experiences less pain, and there is no bleeding during the procedure so they can see better and have higher precision. For us, there was no question between a laser and someone using scissors and trying to see through bleeding as they cut inside our baby’s mouth.

I expected to have to wait weeks to get in. But a provider 15 minutes away got us in the same week. Confident with our daughter’s symptoms and the lack of effective treatment using medication, my husband and I agreed if the dentist confirmed ties, we would have her do the procedure in the office that day. We were surprised to learn our family dental insurance covered the procedure.

There was much anticipation leading up to the appointment. I was nervous and prayed for clear answers. Was I crazy? Everyone told us this was no big deal. Was I just making it up to give our baby’s colic and uncontrolled reflux a reason? Was this just me trying to fix something that would only resolve with time? Yet, I was excited to know for sure if I just needed to let it go, or if this needed to be fixed, once and for all.

The appointment was covered in prayer by many.

My husband and I took our daughter to the appointment and prayed outside in the car before going in. We had complete peace going in and were in agreement.

The dentist was knowledgeable and frank with us. Our daughter had a level 2 tongue tie. There are 4 types with 1 being the worse – where the frenulum connects to the very tip of the tongue. Our daughter’s tie connected to just behind the tip and was really quite pronounced. The heart-shaped tongue was evidence of how strongly it was being tethered down. This type of tie could cause speech issues, dental issues and is known to cause feeding issues with symptoms we were seeing. Basically, when the tongue is tied down, it cannot do the two things it needs to do when nursing – control the flow, and create an air-tight seal. She could do one or the other. This meant she either choked or gulped air.

The dentist recommended correction without hesitation.

In addition, our daughter did have a lip tie. It was restrictive when nursing, causing her upper lip to be unable to flange outward. However, from the dental perspective, she did not think it would cause dental issues. She the decision to correct it up to us. She did confirm that sometimes, families came back to have it done because the tongue correction did not resolve feeding issues. We decided to have both corrected to prevent the possibility of putting her through two separate procedures and recovery periods.

The procedures took 5 minutes. The dentist used Novocaine to numb her tongue and lip because she was a little older and her tongue tie was described as ‘quite thick’. She came back wide-eyed but calm.

Did it work?

It sure did! Our very first feeding at home (while she was still numb) was a perfect, click-free latch and she did not gulp air. She was still numb but we knew she could do it.  After that first feeding, it took several weeks to correct old habits and for her to heal from the procedures. Her latch for the first week or two while healing was still loose and she gulped air, but not quite as much. When we knew she wasn’t hurting any more, I started breaking the latch until we got it right during feedings. It took a couple weeks to re-learn how to nurse with her now ‘free’ tongue and lip. We did ‘stretches’ on the tongue and lip for 4 weeks to prevent reattachment (the mouth heals very quickly). Once she could eat without choking or gulping air, the reflux medication finally seemed to work – it controlled her reflux and she was happy. We did try to wean her off of the medication but it was evident she needed it. We’ll try again later.

Today, she has reflux, requires medication, but no longer is in pain and her reflux would be called ‘controlled’.

Many doctors and even lactation consultants don’t know what to do with tongue ties or lip ties in infants. We found some doctors really had no experience with ties of any kind and had no idea what to look for, or how to assess them. Others were aware of ties even agreed our daughter had one, but grossly underestimated the severity. Most who agreed there was a tie were reluctant to admit it could contribute to reflux symptoms. That said, finding a doctor willing to DO something about our baby’s ties was a difficult task.

If you suspect your baby has a tongue tie, I strongly suggest you follow through and find someone who is trained to assess the ties and correct them if advised to do so. If you just have questions, the first place I’d start is on the Tongue Tie Lip Tie Babies Support Group. Their list of providers is helpful and you can ask there if anyone has seen the specific provider you are considering. You can also ask about others experiences with the procedures and see pictures of what it looked like for their children.

For our baby, tongue and lip ties mattered – while they did not cause reflux, they made it uncontrollable with medication. The correction procedure literally changed our baby’s colic to calm in 5 minutes and the recovery was no worse than teething symptoms.

Here’s our daughter, a few weeks after the procedure, with a tongue that is no longer heart-shaped. Happy, with controlled reflux.

Worth it.

now

 

Infant Silent Reflux is NOT Silent: My Experience Nursing and Caring for Our Hurting Son During His First Year

My Experience Nursing and Caring for Our Hurting Son During His First Year | thisgratefulmama.com

This is part one of two posts about nursing a hurting reflux baby. This post is simply to share my experience and struggle nursing and caring for our son who had silent reflux.

The purpose of part two is to encourage moms and equip those who support moms nursing hurting babies with knowledge of how to help. These women need your support and help; nursing a hurting child is no simple matter. In fact, nursing any child is often no simple matter.

If you are struggling with nursing, you are not alone.

It is no secret that our son had silent reflux as a baby. He never spit up – it burned both coming up and going back down when he swallowed it. Reflux medication did not eliminate his pain but merely took the edge off. This meant he hurt for most of his first year. For more about what silent reflux is, and how it is treated, read:

This story has taken longer to share because it is deeply personal and emotionally charged.

Many of those closest to me do not know the difficulty I had nursing and caring for our son, particularly during the first 3 months, and every night during the first year. Why? Telling the experience means recalling feelings of inadequacy, pain and failure that plagued my first year as a parent.

Nursing is ‘supposed to be the most natural thing’:

For me, it was not. It took a VERY long time to get the hang of it, even with multiple lactation consultations. It was physically painful for months. I felt scared, inadequate, guilty, and exhausted, but determined to figure it out. Failure was not an option.

Daytime Feeding:

During the day, he wanted to nurse constantly to soothe his burning throat. While spurts of cluster feeding are normal, this was extreme and constant. He would eat well but be frantic to nurse minutes later. While nursing, or passed out on my chest, he was somewhat calm – but his body never really relaxed.

Because he grew rapidly, his reflux medication dose was often too low for his body weight. During those transition times before his dose was increased, his nighttime symptoms, which we will discuss later, creeped into daytime. Those days and nights were truly a battle.

When I went back to work, I pumped and our daycare provider gave him bottles. For several months, he refused them and ate only as much as he had to at daycare. Then he cluster fed when I picked him up, and on weekends.  However, we were blessed when at 6 months, his daytime feedings finally became pretty regular.

Spacing feedings out:

We sought help for the constant nursing. We saw lactation and our pediatrician. They both encouraged us to space feedings out. I wanted to, and we tried. We held him as he slept, even as our limbs went numb. We tried everything to soothe him and lengthen the time between sessions. The most effective way was to hold him and do DEEP squats. Up, down, up, down, – until our legs and backs gave out. My poor husband often came home to a sweaty wife who could hardly stand up. It was not my best time. Squats – all day, every day. During maternity leave, we barlely made 1 hour between feeding start times, and we did everything physically possible to space them out.

The physical toll:

Keeping up with nursing demands during maternity leave was physically exhausting. When I should have been recovering from having a baby, I was doing continuous squats with little or no sleep (when I say no sleep, I mean actually NO sleep). The constant nursing was physically painful and draining. And I made so many mistakes – like failing to ask for more help. And not getting up to eat or drink water between each feeding because I was too exhausted and afraid to move. This left me often dehydrated, leading to other physical problems I won’t detail here. I did my best to eat healthy, despite cutting problem reflux foods (ALL dairy, citrus, beans, broccoli, etc.).

The lack of sleep and physical demands during maternity leave did NOT help recovery from labor and delivery. I was still not recovered at 12 weeks when I returned to work. At 6 months, I went back to the doctor, still in discomfort and pain. I was told it was from lack of sleep and rest for my body. Stress – it really does take a toll on the body.

Nighttime Feeding:

From 7 pm until morning, the reflux caused a different problem for the firs year. He was desperate to nurse, frantic. He began to eat, but suddenly it was like someone pinched him – his body stiffened and fists clenched. He threw his head back and the scream from his tiny body would shatter my heart as he tore his mouth away from my chest (ouch).  The wail continued, rattling until no breath was left and his face turned beet-red. We tried bottles and pacifiers. He refused. When he took a bottle at night, it too resulted in pain.

So we did our best to soothe him. Arms and backs exhausted after an hour or so, I would give in and nurse him. Still frantic, then the few moments of calm would be shattered by painful screams until finally he would pass out. Afraid to move, I held him until I got up the nerve to tiptoe upstairs to try to lay him down. If the floor creaked, or he was moved in any way, he would wake in pain. Rarely could he be transferred from my arms. Often, I stayed on the couch, holding him while he slept while trying to rest my eyes. Even sleeping, he cried out in pain, limbs flailing. I always prayed he would stay asleep, but he wouldn’t. He slept for 40 minutes, followed by a few hours of squats and pacing.

Most nights, my husband would find me weeping in a puddle and take over.

We did that every night of maternity leave and most nights the first year. He did not sleep even ONE 2 or 3 hour stretch until 6 months. Thereafter it was infrequent. He did not sleep through the night until 15 months and did not sleep well during the night until two and half. This child was in serious pain. He was doing the best he could.

Isolation: 

Because he was so upset between feedings, it was not feasible to get out of the house during maternity leave. He screamed, writhing in pain in the car and anywhere we went. We paced church hallways with a screaming child, and literally sprinted to get through Target. It was so stressful, it just wasn’t worth it.

With the snowy winter weather and screaming, we did not get out much. It was impossible to nurse around others because he would writhe and flail in discomfort as he nursed. I ended up locked in a bedroom nursing him at family events. Alone. During the day, I was too afraid to wake him, or too exhausted to talk on the phone. I quickly lost touch with many friends. I was incredibly lonely. I cannot express my gratitude to my husband, family, and a few close, persistent friends who lovingly stuck by my side.

The Emotional Toll:

The screams rattled me to the core. He was in pain and it was my job to comfort him. The one thing, nursing, that was supposed to soothe him, hurt him. I felt inadequate and like it was my fault, even though knew it wasn’t. I was failing him and could not fix this problem. At night, I became unable to sleep when he was. Since he refused bottles, I was in demand all the time. Any noise would jerk me fom sleep – wide awake, adrenaline pumping while praying he would keep sleeping. I was anxiety-ridden. I worshipped sleep but it eluded me as I pleaded and prayed to God first for relief for our son and then for sleep.

After 1-2 hours of non-consecutive sleep per night, I was a walking zombie. Looking back, I cannot believe I did not lose my job. I was underproductive and cranky. My boss and coworkers were understanding and helpful despite my edgy demeanor. I felt guilty for feeling relieved when I dropped him off at daycare and for enjoying time sitting in a quiet lab alone with my hands free. Every invitation from friend and family that required me to do something other than take care of our son, work, or sleep became overwhelming. I had no energy for anything else. Overwhelmed is a great way to describe how I felt that year.

Any physical pain from his abrupt motions and continual schedule were nothing compared to the emotional pain of not being able to help him. When I went back to the doctor at 6 months, they did a postpartum depression screening.  I answered how I thought I should. I look back now and see my shame that I wasn’t handling things well. At the time, I was afraid and unable to admit the truth to myself. At 10 months, I heard a woman from church talk about her struggles as a new mom. It finally gave me the courage to admit my need for help to my husband, and then to a doctor. I sobbed taking the depression survey and while explaining how poorly I was coping with sleep deprivation, stress of night feedings and daily life. The floodgates opened. I got help.

Much to be grateful for:

I was not alone, and neither are you. We all need support and help – don’t be ashamed to ask for it. My mom, sister and mother-in-law helped as much as they could. They drove across town countless times to bring food and to hold our son while praying over him so I could rest for a couple hours. He would often scream the whole time, refusing the pacifier and bottle. They did their best to soothe him. I am SO grateful for their help. He wore those loving arms out but they kept coming back

Our church small group blessed us with what I like to call ‘the parade of meals and encouragement’. Our close friends and family encouraged us, prayed for us, and were so gracious with me even though I was not able to be a good friend. They loved me anyway.

My husband did more squats than me and endured sleepless nights alongside me. Emotionally, he fared better than me and was my rock. He comforted, encouraged, and was unbelievably kind and gentle, even when I failed to be able to support him at all. We were a very tired mess but we were a team. I would have quit nursing if my husband hadn’t been my champion. If you support a mom who nurses ANY child, do not doubt that YOU play an important role!

God carried me through:

Psalm 63 became precious to me during that first year. My son’s name is written next to it in every Bible I own. I clung to these words in the middle of the night, calling out to my faithful Father on behalf of our son. HE was my ultimate help. The only way I made it through was by His grace and strength. Looking back, I see His good, strong hand carrying me through each and every night. He will carry you too, if you let Him.

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.
Psalm 63:1-8 (NIV, emphasis added)

The JOY:

No matter how little we slept, the mornings were our son’s best moments of the day. It was certainly the time when reflux hurt the least. Smiles and giggles flowed freely for those precious moments. My husband and I often waited to enter his room together so no one would miss a second of that joy.  These moments gave us real, tangible hope.

There is no difficulty or number of sleepless nights that could ever steal our love for our son. He is a priceless gift. I cherish his first year, regardless of the struggle. He was the joy of my day and being his mom is a blessing that challenges me and brings more fulfillment and joy than I could have ever imagined. Because we all struggled, I think we felt the excitement of new skills and successes even more strongly.

Please do not take any of this post as a complaint. It isn’t. I do wish our son had not been in pain, but he was. Wishing it had been different serves no purpose. The experience is part of who we are, as individuals and as a family. And so much good came from it. We were strengthened and our relationships grew in beautiful ways as we weathered it together. It made us more reliant on God and deepened our trust and faith. It equipped us to share our experience with other families dealing with similar issues. I am amazed by the number of families we have been able to support and encourage because of our experience. These are not small blessings, and we do not take them for granted. And, we are grateful our son, now 5, no longer struggles with reflux. There is hope yours won’t either.

Infant 'Silent' Reflux Is NOT Silent - My Experience Nursing A Silent Reflux Baby | thisgratefulmama.com

Infant Silent Reflux is NOT Silent – Our Experience Navigating Reflux Treatment

Infant 'Silent' Reflux is NOT Silent - Our Experience Navigating Reflux Treatment | thisgratefulmama.com

This is the second post in a series on Infant Silent Reflux. Before reading this, it will be helpful to read about Our Search For An Answer To Our Baby’s Cries, which explains what Silent Reflux is, and our path to diagnosis.

The only thing I’ll repeat from the previous post is this – Let me be clear: This article is not a complaint about that first year. This is how life was for our family. I write this to share with other parents whose children also hurt.  Sharing our experience has two purposes: to help hurting children, and to give encouragement to their parents. It takes a village…

Doctors diagnosed our son with silent reflux at 7 weeks. The pain had a name that made no sense – Infant Silent Reflux is NOT silent.

Once diagnosed, the first treatment step was medication. We started Zantac (Ranitidine).  A clear, strongly peppermint flavored liquid that made me sure he would hate peppermint forever. Every dose was a battle – it was almost impossible to get him to swallow it, no matter how many times I blew on his face or how loud he cried.

We saw mediocre results. With painful reflux symptoms causing all night crying from day 1, and treatment not beginning until week 7, it was like throwing a bucket of water on a forest fire. He still had all the same symptoms mentioned in the previous post but the medication seemed to take the edge off and feedings were a little more manageable at night. At least, for a little while – Zantac dosage and effectiveness is weight-dependent, so after a couple of weeks, it stopped working because he was growing so fast.

Our doctor recommended changing my diet to see if we saw additional improvement. I kept a food journal. I stopped eating all dairy (yogurt, cheese, milk, you name it), and anything citrus or acidic (tomatoes, oranges, berries, peppers, etc.). We saw what we thought to be limited and gradual improvement, but when I tried to add these foods back into my diet, he got worse. It was clear that my diet, dairy especially, mattered. So, I refrained from eating quite a few things for a year. I learned later that dairy takes a very long time to leave your system and even longer to leave theirs. If dairy is adding to the symptoms, you may not see marked improvement for a month. If you suspect it – cut it for 4 weeks and then see what happens when you add it back in.

A quick note about Zantac before continuing: Most of your stories will end with Zantac: A couple of years later when our daughter showed symptoms of reflux at 4 weeks, we knew exactly what it was. We took her in right away and the doctor agreed. She was on Zantac a short time, and it was enough to allow healing and the muscles to tighten and prevent further damage. She has never struggled with reflux again and will be 2 in March. From the families we know who have struggled with reflux, very few children go on to need additional medication, and most are entirely off of all medication by the age of 6 months. Of approximately 30 families we’ve talked to so far, I know of only 4 who have continued medication through 1 year, and know of only two other families whose children have had reflux as a toddler like our son.

I wish I could say that Zantac and modifying our diet was the end of our son’s story with reflux, but it isn’t. We continued monitoring my diet and increasing his Zantac dose as needed until the week before I had to go back to work (11 weeks).

Then things got crazy.

The reflux was out-of-control. The crying was unstoppable. The Zantac dose was maxed out. They wanted to switch him to Prilosec suspension (Omeprazole). We weren’t real excited about giving him more medicine since the first didn’t seem to help much. The doctor explained that while Zantac is a histimine-2 blocker, Prilosec is a proton-pump inhibitor. Both reduce acid produced by the stomach, but through different mechanisms in the body. In our doctor’s words, if a person doesn’t respond to Zantac, they often respond better to Prilosec. It gave us hope and we were willing to give it a shot.

The medicine tasted like chalk (so, of course, he didn’t like it). He was supposed to improve measurably after one week on the medication.

He did not.

My first week back to work, my husband and our family took turns watching him during the day. Our son wore those loving arms (and backs) out! He was supposed to start daycare the following week…now what? We were terrified to leave him with someone else, and terrified for the provider who would have not only him, but a handful of other children needing her attention. There was no way a daycare provider would be able to handle him along with the other children in her care.

We took him back to the doctor. He had an upper GI. As he choked down the barium, it was confirmed he had reflux but no physical twist, turn, or abnormality requiring surgery. Good news, but there was no indication as to WHY he had reflux. But, knowing reflux was present validated the reason we were pumping him full of the max dose of reflux medication.

On the way home from the upper GI, I refilled his Omeprazole prescription. I was shocked when given a completely different looking liquid, with different labeling than the last bottle; same medication name, but different consistency, color, and storage conditions. It still tasted like chalk, but the new bottle worked far better. Right away.

The daytime became manageable.

I took the remainder of the first bottle and the new bottle back to the pharmacy and spoke with a pharmacist. They admitted the first bottle should have had the same labeling as the new bottle, but would not admit it was made incorrectly. Honestly, to this day I have no idea if it was even the right medication in the bottle or not. I now ask plenty of questions when I pick up medication at the pharmacy – there is no guarantee the medication you receive is correct (how scary is that?).

We switched pharmacies and filed a complaint at both the local and corporate level.

At 13 weeks, our son went to daycare. We were blessed beyond measure by an experienced, patient and kind woman. He was loved, well cared for, and she never complained that he was difficult.  Not once. No words can ever express my gratitude to her for how she cared for him. She would tell me, in a matter-of-fact-way how he had done each day, never with any indication that she was burdened by him when he had a rough day. And he had plenty of rough days.

Although the Omeprazole, correctly made, worked leaps and bounds better than that first bottle, we noticed that towards the end of every bottle, our son’s symptoms were worse. Then, every time we opened a fresh bottle, the medication seemed to work better. After tracking it closely, it seemed like our 30 day supply worked great for 2 weeks, then gradually decreased in effectiveness over the next 2 weeks.

As a biochemist, I am familiar with stability testing. I suspected a stability issue and asked the (new) pharmacist about it. She said it should be stable, but if he was on the edge of the dosage, we might see a gradual decrease over time. She was willing to break our prescription into two, as an experiment. We paid up front for a full 30 day supply, but she gave us half of the volume. 15 days later, we then picked up a freshly prepared bottle, with the remaining volume from the 30 day prescription.

Breaking the 30 day supply of Omeprazole into two fresh bottles showed measurable improvement. We know of at least 4 other families who have seen symptoms increase over the course of a 30 day bottle who have also switched to a 15 day supply. While our evidence of a stability problem is purely anecdotal, it has helped more than just our child. Our pharmacist could not continue breaking it into two because of billing issues since the prescription was written for 30 days. She suggested we get a 15 day supply prescription from the doctor. We were happy to pay double the co-pays for mediation that actually worked well the whole time.

And so we continued on. While the days were going well, night-time was another story. From 8 pm until morning, it was hard. I’ll describe the nights in a post dedicated to sleep in coming weeks. In the meantime, if you are a sleep deprived parent of a hurting child, my heart goes out to you. I wrote a post when thinking about you, months ago. Sleep deprivation is serious business. You are not alone. Sleep did eventually come to our house. It will come to yours as well. Bless you.

While sleep eluded us for a long time, our son’s symptoms did gradually decrease over the course of the first year. Even though he didn’t sleep much at night, he screamed less and less, and with decreasing intensity as time went on. By 12 months, he slept through the night for the first time, and by 15 months we were able to wean him off of the medication and he eventually slept through the night.

Why was our son’s case so severe? I’ve asked several pediatricians, an allergist and a Gastroenterologist. No one knows for sure. But there are a few things they all agreed may have contributed:

  1. He had symptoms from day 1, which we learned is highly unusual. In fact, most doctors say babies don’t even have stomach acid at that point. I don’t know what this means, other than his case is different from others
  2. There were dietary issues we knew contributed (dairy, citrus), but there were more that we didn’t know about. At 15 months, we discovered an unknown peanut and cashew allergy (and he had a mama who was eating bucket loads of nuts and peanut butter while avoiding dairy while nursing…sigh…knowledge truly can be power)
  3. Since he had symptoms early but was growing fast (not failing to ‘thrive’), the doctors failed to treat the pain early, and we failed to persist in making them treat him
  4. He grew so fast and was treated so late, it seemed like we were always behind the proper dose of Zantac for his weight. It just wasn’t enough
  5. The Omeprazole first given to our son at 11 weeks was certainly stored improperly (room temperature vs. required refrigerated conditions that likely affected stability), and possibly made incorrectly to begin with. This means our son was basically un-medicated (or at least improperly medicated) at the point when his symptoms had peaked, requiring Omeprazole to be prescribed in the first place. I am convinced this snafu caused additional damage and lengthened his recovery. Add in the apparent stability issues with the 30 day supply and it wasn’t until 6 months before he was treated with full strength Omeprazole on a consistent basis.

Look for future posts that will describe our experiences with toddler reflux and reflux sleep (or lack-of). Also read about my personal experience nursing and caring for our son during his first year.

If you found this story to be like yours – don’t hesitate to get your child help. If you need more information sooner than the next post, email me (thisgratefulmama[at]gmail.com). I’m happy to share anything I know and help in any way I can.

Infant 'Silent' Reflux Is NOT Silent - Our Experience Navigating Reflux Treatment | thisgratefulmama.com

Infant Silent Reflux is NOT Silent – Our Search For An Answer To Our Baby’s Cries

Infant Silent Reflux is NOT Silent - Our Search For An Answer To Our Baby's Cries | thisgratefulmama.com

I think it’s time to do a little series on our experiences with infant and toddler reflux (GERD).

I’ve been shocked over the past few years by the number of people who have asked questions about our experience with our son and daughter. I rarely go more than a month without reflux coming up in a conversation, email, or phone call – because a beloved child is hurting.

These friends, family and acquaintances want answers. They need someone to validate their intuition that something just isn’t right. They want hope – someone to tell them that a doctor was able to help our child and will be able help theirs. They want to know what questions to ask.  Sometimes after we talk, the conclusion is that their child’s symptoms do not sound like reflux, but all-too-often, what is described sounds like reflux.

Regardless of the situation, I always point them towards going to their doctor. I am not a doctor. I can only share our experience and encourage you to get help for your child if you think something is wrong. Please check with a medical professional to confirm whatever you suspect.

When I started this blog, I thought reflux would be one of the first topics I’d write about. But in truth, I’ve held back on posting about our experience.

Why?

It’s complicated. It is painful to recall those moments when we could do nothing to console our hurting child. And because there is SO much information about our experience, it is hard to organize my thoughts. Oh, and it is hard to remember details out of the haze that was one year of severe sleep-deprivation.

But, most of all, I paused because I want to be sure what I write honors our son. Sometimes when I share with other parents, they tell me how sorry they are that he was a ‘difficult’ baby. But it wasn’t HIM that was difficult. What was difficult was that he HURT.

Sure, it was a hard first year for all of us. And he did cry. A lot…all night long, night after night.  But he was a beautiful, sweet baby boy. He just hurt. A hurting baby can’t help themselves so they express their pain through tears. Silent reflux is a terrible and painful thing. His whole body told a story of pain as it tensed, writhed, and screamed until his voice rattled and he had no air and was gasping for it.

But he was our baby, our son, an immense joy and blessing. He smiled, giggled, and talked – melting our hearts. It was just that those moments were less frequent and all-too-brief because they happened between bouts of pain. But those special moments were no less profound or fulfilling, and are cherished.

Let me be clear: This article is not a complaint about that first year. This is how life was for our family. I write this to share with other parents whose children also hurting.  Sharing our experience has two purposes: to help hurting children, and to give encouragement to their parents. It takes a village…

If you are reading this because your child is hurting, I hope this points you in the right direction. If this helps just ONE family, it has achieved its purpose. I hope this encourages you – whether your child has symptoms of reflux or another source of pain, know we understand what it means to care for a hurting child. I’m glad you’re here. Looking for answers is a great place to start helping your child.

Today’s post is our story of searching for an answer. Many of you have a similar story, only after diagnosis and starting medication, it will be the end of your story. The medication will reduce acid and help your child’s muscles heal and tighten. Your story will be short – I hope and pray it is! Our story did not end there. I will tell that part of our story at a later date, but sharing how we go to the point of identifying the problem will help the most people, so I’m starting here.

Our story:

We named our son Aiden. We loved that Aiden means “little fire”.  Never in our wildest dreams did we think he’d be born with a fire of acid in his belly that would cause him pain.

He screamed all night long, inconsolably, from the first night in the hospital, through most of the next 10 months. In the first weeks, it was my mom who observed that even when sleeping, he was never relaxed; his fists clenched, his back arched, and crying out in his sleep. Although he certainly had moments of calm, especially in the early morning when he hadn’t eaten yet, they were short and infrequent. And the older he got, the worse it got.

As a first time mom, I knew babies cried. But what did I know? Who was I to say that our child cried too much? It felt like it was saying he wasn’t good, or wasn’t normal, or that I wasn’t equipped to be his mom. At his one and two week appointments, I told his doctor I was concerned about how much he cried. But I was unsure of myself and my assessment – especially when my son was bafflingly calm EVERY time we entered the clinic. So weird! I didn’t go into detail, and didn’t really explain that he cried ALL night long, or that feedings were a disaster. I figured I was doing something wrong nursing him and that like all the moms told me…at some point soon, ‘it would click’.

Since Aiden was growing (99% on the growth chart the first 6 months), the doctor wasn’t concerned with how much he cried. He explained to me that some babies cry, a lot. Perhaps it was colic. He told me colic often has no explanation and goes away on its own after peaking at 6 weeks. I felt like he was telling me I was over-reacting. I doubted myself and didn’t press the issue.

But in reality, it was an understatement to say that we were concerned. Something did not seem right and I couldn’t accept there might not be an answer.

Night after night, at 3 am, as our child screamed in my arms, I cried with him. I prayed for help, for sleep, for healing, for silence. I was his mother, helpless to soothe him, even with nursing. During the day, he wanted to nurse endlessly; he would have nursed for 10 months straight if that was possible for either of us. I learned later that he was self-medicating; soothing his throat from burning. At night, nursing was different. Frantic. He would be desperate to eat, only to push away and scream, writhing in pain. It was awful for him. And for me. Most night nursing sessions took hours. My poor husband would find us both crying in an actual puddle. He would graciously and lovingly scoop him out of my arms and take a shift pacing the house.

The nights were LONG.

No amount of walking, rocking, singing, shushing, dancing, swaying, swinging, swaddling, or standing still made a difference. The only thing that seemed to give him pause was what I’d call the deep squat. UP, down, UP, down, UP, down…I did more squats after giving birth than I have my entire life. And so did my husband. Squats would soothe him for a while as he’d look at us, wide-eyed…but as our legs, and back and arms gave out, so did the silence.

Not a really viable solution – you can only do so many squats.

I researched all kinds of causes of colic. I remembered a co-worker mentioning their child had acid mild reflux and required medication. I had never had heartburn, so it was hard for me to understand how it could be this painful. And, he never spit up – ever! But I remembered stories of adults with heartburn thinking they were having a heart attack and spending the night in the ER. When I first experienced heartburn during my second pregnancy, I realized just how awful my son felt for that entire year. It broke my heart all over again.

I researched colic, hoping to find a reason for his cries, and was often pointed towards infant reflux. But almost all references to infant reflux symptoms at that time noted that babies with reflux refused to eat and lost weight, causing failure to thrive. Our son didn’t spit up. At the time, I didn’t understand that at night as we struggled with nursing, he was refusing to eat.

Information on silent reflux wasn’t really out there – or at least, I couldn’t find it.

Finally, I found one mom’s account of her son. Their story echoed our own (I wish I could find it to thank her!). Her son, like ours, was not failing to thrive, and was also bafflingly calm in the clinic. After refusing to accept his symptoms were colic and could not be explained, she took him to other doctors and found someone who agreed with her. They diagnosed him with silent reflux. I had never heard of it.

Silent reflux is when your child has acid reflux but never spits up. Acid comes up from the stomach because the sphincter muscle at the top isn’t strong enough to close tightly. But what makes it ‘silent’ is that instead of spitting it up, they swallow it. It burns coming up and going back down. A lot. A baby should be content after they eat, but with silent reflux, it brings pain. They arch their back, throw their heads back and clench their fists – without relief. Some babies refuse to eat while others want to nurse slowly all day long.

Let’s get something straight before describing how you can identify reflux that is painful: All babies have reflux to some degree. Your child may have gurgly burps or spit up a lot but this doesn’t mean you need to be concerned. What matters is whether it hurts them.

Although most literature says a baby can’t have acid reflux right away because they don’t have stomach acid yet, our son’s symptoms were the same on day 1 as at 7 weeks, only at 7 weeks they were worse. Much worse.

Our sons’ symptoms of painful silent reflux included:

  • excessive crying that was worse at night. A whole body cry – red in the face, voice rattling, gasping for air
  • basically never slept or slept for only 40 minutes of fitful sleep at a time (there will be a separate post dedicated to our experience with reflux baby sleep)
  • would cry out in pain during sleep, especially after eating
  • repeated hiccups – not just a nuisance, they were obviously painful and would last forever. My daughter had hiccups too, but not like these. They were vicious
  • audible gurgling in his throat, followed often by red-faced coughing fits or sound of clearing his throat
  • body always tense, fists clenched
  • not content after eating, often with back arched and screaming in pain
  • during the day, wanted to nurse constantly (self-soothing) but never seemed satisfied
  • at night, frantic to nurse, only to pull back in pain and scream, then be frantic to nurse again (frantic to eat to eat, starting to eat, refusing to eat, repeat). This is the ONE repeated symptom that I’ve heard the most from other parents
  • diapers were not normal – runny, greenish, acidic (we did not know this at the time – we had no idea what a normal newborn diaper looked like until my daughter was born)

That mom’s story gave me the motivation to keep hunting for an answer. Her words gave us confidence to demand a response from the doctor and to describe, in detail, EVERYTHING that was happening. It took countless phone calls to nurses and lactation specialists, doctor visits, and finally nursing him in the clinic with a lactation specialist to diagnose him. It took the lactation specialist less than 5 minutes to figure out what was going on after our son finished eating and began writhing in pain (if you think your child has reflux and have trouble getting someone to agree, I’d reach out to the lactation specialist at your pediatrician’s office).

They diagnosed him with silent reflux at 7 weeks.

The pain had a name that made no sense – Infant Silent Reflux is NOT silent.

Read more about our experience navigating reflux treatmentmy personal experience nursing and caring for our son during his first year. and look for future posts that will describe our experiences with toddler reflux and reflux sleep (or lack-of). If you found this story to be like yours – don’t hesitate to get your child help. If you need more information sooner than the next post, email me (thisgratefulmama[at]gmail.com). I’m happy to share anything I know and help in any way I can.

Infant 'Silent' Reflux Is NOT Silent - Our Search For An Answer To Our Baby's Cries | thisgratefulmama.com

To the Sleep-Deprived Mama of a Hurting Baby

To the sleep-deprived Mama,

You are not alone.

I’ve been there; so tired you almost fall asleep on the toilet.

I hope you find this at 2 am, when you’re desperate for a word of encouragement and haven’t yet slept a wink because your child hasn’t slept.

I’ve rejoiced over 4 non-consecutive hours of sleep a night because for months we had less than that.

I know that the term “sleeping like a baby” was written by someone who was ignorant of what it is like to have a hurting baby.

I, too, was a real-live zombie, in a daze, wandering around aimlessly, looking for a bed. 

I’ve felt your hope as you plan a new strategy to help your baby fall asleep and stay asleep.

I read those books and blogs, and heard the advice of fellow parents. 

We bought the highly acclaimed swings, noise machines, and baby sleep books written by experts; all of which did not work for us.

One by one, tools and advice of experts failed for my hurting child who couldn’t sleep. 

Desperate, we also tried letting baby ‘cry it out’, but with a hurting child,  but it just wasn’t right and the crying went on far too long.

We learned that a hurting child is not able to self-soothe and what it is like to be needed by them to fall asleep.

I have seen a hurting child finally pass out in my arms, and realize it is the only time all day that their body relaxed.

I know how it FEELS to rock a baby so much that your back feels it may break.

I understand that the ONLY reason you can keep rocking them is because you LOVE them. So. Very. Much.

I’ve cradled a child with numb and tingling arms, too afraid to move for fear of waking them up.

I have felt poorly equipped, inadequate, and have sobbed, along with my child, unable to soothe them.

I’ve fallen asleep in that uncomfortable chair, freezing cold because you can’t reach the blanket, with my bladder about to burst, because I know if I move they’ll wake.

I know that you, too, would sacrifice your health, body, and sleep if it meant your child would feel better.

I have felt what it is like to be so tired, having given all your energy to the child, that you’ve forgotten to eat, or drink anything all day.

I tried to sleep when the baby slept, but a few 1 hour stretches at night were just not enough. And I know that when you work during the day or care for another child, that napping when the baby naps is not realistic.

I know the feeling of exhaustion that goes down into your SOUL.

And for those days to go on for MONTHS and MONTHS.

I heard my friends boast of how their child slept well from “the night they brought them home” and wondered what was wrong with us.

I know that until you’ve had a hurting child and experienced the sleep-deprivation it can cause, that you can feel entirely alone, misunderstood, and that you may fear it will. NEVER. end.

Seeking help, I took my child to the doctor and cried in the office.

I know how vulnerable it feels to have a public break-down and how grateful I was to the nurses, doctors, co-workers, family and friends who spoke kindly and encouraged me.

I know what its like to truly worship sleep and to be unable to focus on anything but the next chance to get some.

And, I too, reached the point where even when my baby slept, I stopped being ABLE to sleep.

As I laid my sleeping baby down, exhausted, a surge of adrenaline pumped through my veins as I slowly backed out of the room and closed the door. I was hypersensitive to ANY sound that might wake the baby. 

I, too, collapsed into bed only to hear my child’s baby grunts and noises that all babies make in their sleep.

I know that with each sound, a fresh dose of adrenaline surges and that fear that the baby will wake can steal ANY sleep you might get before the crying begins again. 

After months of sleep deprivation, I, too, heard my baby’s cries in the white noise of a fan, in the background of a football game, or the sound of the shower running, and wondered if I was a crazy person.

With nowhere else to turn, I relied on the Lord to carry me through those nights where I cried as much as my child. 

I too prayed those persistent prayers for sleep and for healing for my child. In our case, I prayed that his heartburn and acid reflux would cease and he would no longer hurt.

It took 15 months for those prayers to be answered.

 

BUT, Have hope.

My prayers WERE answered.

I have awoken to light streaming through the window and felt the seizing fear that something bad had happened.

And then I felt the JOY and RELIEF when I found the baby still asleep.

We slowly saw a few sporadic 4 or 5 hour stretches of sleep mix into the sleepless nights.

We saw a few long stretches turn into regular occurrences.

After months of a few hours of broken up sleep a night, I know that a 4 hour stretch can make you feel like a new mama.

As the long stretches turned into sporadic nights of 8-hour stretches, I know that at first, you wake up, wondering if something is wrong.

I also know, that at some point, you will realize that you had two nights in a row, then three, and then a week of good sleep. 

For us, it was sudden. When my son walked at 15 months, I felt the elation of our first full night of sleep. It didn’t take long for it to be a regular occurrence.

It did take quite some time for me to feel refreshed, despite full nights of sleep. Your body needs to catch up. Be gentle with yourself.

Looking back, I cannot begin to fathom how we even survived, but I can tell you, we did only by the Lord carrying us through it.

My son’s name is written in my Bible next to this verse, and it is imprinted on my soul after saying it over and over, half-asleep and weary.

I remember you upon my bed,
    and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
    and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
    your right hand upholds me. 

-Psalm 63:6-8

God IS hearing you.

He IS helping you.

He IS holding you up, as you struggle to stay awake and to comfort your child.

He IS equipping you to parent, work, and function, despite severe sleep deprivation.

 

Until Then

If you are reading this with red, stinging, tired eyes that you can hardly keep open, take heart, sleep is coming. 

If your child has reflux (GERD), and it is not responding to medication as our son didn’t, cling to the promise several doctors gave me and was TRUE for us: when your child walks, everything changes. The muscles develop, the pressure lifts from their stomach, and sleep comes.

This. Shall. Pass. I’ve experienced it.

Your child WILL sleep through the night, even if it feels like it may never happen. 

It will not be as soon as you’d like.

It will take you by surprise and suddenly life won’t seem like such a BLUR.

Your view of sleep will never be the same.

Even today, my son is 4 years old, and has slept through the night since 15 or 16 months. I still wake most mornings, grateful that my children slept all night long, and for their health.

When sleep comes, it will bring with it WAVES of gratitude.  

But, for now, cling to hope.  Be encouraged.

Keep loving your child.

If you feel like you’re just surviving, that is OK.

You are doing ENOUGH and I have no doubt that you are doing a GREAT job.

You are not alone.